Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Our Cast of Characters...




Barbie: Hi Winnie!
Winnie: good morning Barbie Dear!
Barbie: So last night I got a request from one of our newer fans to put together a "list of characters" so they know who everybody is....not real names of course but a description of how they fit into our lives...
Winnie: Sounds fun...
Barbie: ok, let's get started....

Hometown (aka: the “Hole”): the place we both grew up. Small, a little backward at times...still has a big place in both our hearts...Winnie is moving back there shortly and Barbie wishes she could but is living in the BIG city.
Redneckville: the place Winnie is desperate to leave. Makes the Hole look like a thriving metropolis of culture and sophistication...lol
(Winnie: Oh sure does)
The Hut: a bar in the Hole owned by Prince Charming. Popular meeting place for lots of the characters....and the gathering place of the elite "Douchebags"
(Barbie: I would say that there is NOTHING elite about the douchebags there... they are garden variety, domestic douchebags...)
The Package Deal: a group of High School friends who were so tight that if you invited one somewhere, the rest had to come along.
Prince Charming (PC): Long-time friend of all the characters. Childhood sweetheart of Barbie and now adult sweetheart of Barbie.
Note: PC loves Days of Our Lives
TwoHandsFull: a childhood friend of ours...Her teenage years started pretty rough...Mohawks and ex-cons for boyfriends...now mother of 2 and 1/2 kids living in the modern Suburbia
Note: Twohandsfull also has her own (less racy) blog and was part of the original "Package Deal" gang of girls with Winnie and Barbie in High school.
CCC: aka Chair Chuggin' Chick (also known as Helmut Head): another member of the Package deal group and long-time friend of Barbie and Winnie. Known for her sense of humour and drinking prowess....also known for throwing up through the grid of a Hockey Helmet on her 16th birthday, but we won't mention that.
Missyloo: part of the original package deal. Used to throw killer parties when her Mom wasn't home. Lives "away" now.
Giggles: known for her "unusual laugh". A new comer in high school to the Package Deal...and makes the rest of us (well at least Winnie) look like a tame school girl....The best party buddy that ever was!
Daddyohh: another High School friend...long out of the picture and now has returned with a vengeance....kind, funny and a romantic at heart!
Funnygirl: Friend of Barbie's who lives in the big city. Known for her fantastic sense of humour and sarcastic quips.
Doodlebug: Artist friend of Barbie who lives in the big city. Note: she always has paint somewhere on her person and has the coolest curly hair.
Phatboy: the Karaoke King of the Hut. A High School friend who now is the master of entertainment in the "Hole". Just a jolly fella he is, with an impressive set of vocal cords!
Note: Phatboy has NO self confidence problems, lol
The Twins: a set of twins who went to high school with the girls and are still around on and off in the Hole. They are fun and have no mouth filters....almost like a version of Tourette’s.
Close talker (aka: Creepy Guy): A high school acquaintance of the characters who appears to have a depth perception problem when he drinks. Well liked by all.
Drama Queen: involved highly in drama and acting...moved away to the big city.
Shamrockgirl: Very close friend of Barbie's in the big city. Has an infectious laugh and a volume control problem when drinking. No party is complete without her.
Dr. Crack: Apparently went to high school with the girls but was an ankle biter at the time. A reoccurring character in the Hole. Close friend of PC.
Fratboy: The Eternal Party boy...who never wants to grow up and will always live in Neverland (the Dorm room version that is)
Keeya: a dear friend of Winnie's (and now Barbie's) who is stuck in Redneckville but is very cool and will take you out with her Karate moves...you go girl!
Wannabe Barbie: well that almost says it all....once...and I say Once, thought of as a friend until she decided to try and live out our lives by dating everyone's and I mean EVERYONE's ex-boyfriends....she has now moved away and never to be heard of again, wonder why that is??
Record Head: a close friend of Barbie's in high school and part of the Package Deal. Known for wearing a record in her hair to a high school dance. Moved away from the Hole after school and disappeared....if you see a 30something lady walking down the street with a n mp3 player in her hair ask her to call us immediately.
Peaches: maybe not so sweet of a guy...but juicy as hell
Note: ...in Winnie's opinion. Barbie thinks he is a dog with a humping problem. lol
Shyguy: bartender at the Hut...always being teased for his Douchebag qualities. Puts on a good show and is quite intimidated by Winnie so it seems (so is his girlfriend, we hear)

and last but not least....

Mr Biggg: Oh Mr Biggg...the unknown character that is in close competition to be our Fan Club leader with PC....A Big fan of Barbie’s and Winnie's... nemesis! (We still can’t figure out who he really is)

Well, that just about covers the basic reoccurring characters....if you want to have your own name and you don't see it here....write us...or become more prominent in our lives...lol.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Impromptu Guest Blog- Helmut Head Speaks Out!


Our dear friend Helmut Head (which we misspelled on purpose to create a pun that no person apparently "got") decided to write us about yesterday's blog. She is so unknowingly funny that we decided to post it lieu of our blog today.
PS- She will now be known as CCC from this moment on.
Barbie
_____________________________________


July 27 at 10:23pm

Hello Ladies!
Just wanted to bring up a point or two...
Of all the things that I have a accomplished (come on, there's at least two),
I’m very disappointed that you ladies have decided that the most significant point in my life was when I drank a few too many on my 16th birthday and vomited through a hockey mask [Helmet]??? OH MY GOD!!! Have you forgotten that I was able to ( not many people can say they`ve done this) open several 1 liter bottles of beer (with nothing more than a seat belt? When all the while (from the BACK seat of a borrowed car) enticing another car, full of strange men to allow us to spend not part but ALL of the night at their house?? Did you forget about that? That's a very impressive feat, I think. You should call me "Crazy Car, Bottle Bustin' Guy Getter"....No?? Admit it, it's got a ring?If I recall correctly Milli Vanilli even named a song after me...You couldn't use THAT name either though, could you??? It was called "Blame It On The ****"!!! Uh, never mind. That's just what YOU all did! What about the fact that I could drink anything from any bottle as long as I was "standing" on a chair?? HMMMM??? "Chair Chuggin' Chick"! That's almost artistic???There are many more, but I don't want to bore you. Just for the record, though!! (Barbie, I'm disappointed in your spellchecking!!)

HELMET:hel⋅met/ˈhɛlmɪt/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [hel-mit] –noun 1. any of various forms of protective head covering worn by soldiers, firefighters, divers, cyclists, etc. 2. medieval armor for the head. 3. (in fencing, singlestick, etc.) a protective device for the head and face consisting of reinforced wire mesh. 4. anything resembling a helmet in form or position.

HELMUT:Helmut, (Hellmut, Helmuth, Hellmuth, etc.) is a common given name in the German language. As a family name it is rather uncommon.

Just my 2 cents (okay, maybe it was more like a nickel!)....
Luv CCC (Chair Chuggin’ Chick)xo
____________________________________

Chair Chuggin' Chick, we salute you!! xoxo

Monday, July 27, 2009

It's Business Time!


Winnie: Good Monday morning!
Barbie: Good morning!
Winnie: well I survived the thunderstorm with only ONE power shortage...
Barbie: same here!
Barbie: we had almost golf ball sized hail too!
Barbie: I was worried about my flowers, lol , but we all survived.
Barbie: Hey....Helmut Head sent us a funny video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wN0oDnoc3-c
Winnie: I'ts just to prove out complaints.....it's right there...LIVE
Barbie: hilarious!
Winnie: it's sad really....
Barbie: HA, HA
Winnie: those are men that came up with that....
Barbie: If it was REALLY a business running on those hours it would fail...
Winnie: dont' most of them do?
Winnie: those business arrangements I mean?
Barbie: are you trying to say that most men our age keep very short business hours?
Winnie: hmmmmmmm
Winnie: I won’t comment on that one....except.....
Winnie: i meant the "business arrangement" NOT the "duration" of the business meeting
Winnie: but then again...I haven’t been to a business meeting in a while!!! ;)
Barbie: alrighty then....lol....moving on to other topics...
Barbie: have you ever seen that show "Flight of the Conchords?"
Barbie: I personally find it downright hilarious!
Winnie: No i haven't
Winnie: but I think i've seen enough
Barbie: it's original...so funny!
Winnie: here comes another thunderstorm...hmmmm
Barbie: gee, they are so rare lately...
Winnie: and I don’t think I’ve seen any rainbows this summer either...
Barbie: yes! I saw one at my Dad's place...
Winnie: I was joking, I think Ive seen half a dozen already...you'd think I would have found the pot of gold already
Winnie: well...maybe I have?
Barbie: have you?
Winnie: i might have....;)
Barbie: Hey...I have a song for you today...
Barbie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojkUv4aWY_0
Barbie: I wish I knew someone named Doug just to sing them that song...
Barbie: God that movie was funny!
Winnie: I saw "the ugly truth" yesterday...OMG...soooooo funny
Winnie: the best part of the movie. She's wearing vibrating underwear...and some kid gets the remote.
Winnie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nd365-tvTpE
Winnie: I HAVE to get me some of those :)
Barbie: Oh my God...yikes....if that remote falls into the wrong hands...lol
Winnie: That's the point...yee haa!!!!
Barbie: ok, go ahead...get one....hand over the remote and I will pass it along liberally to whomever I see fit.....(note to self....and then hilarity will ensue...must make sure to tape for YouTube display)
Barbie: I plan on handing out the remote to all our friends at the Hut...
Winnie: ok ok...point taken lol
Winnie: make sure you bring spare batteries!!!!
Barbie: ...geez.....

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Angel vs Devil




Barbie: Hi! Boy am I EVER glad that it is raining....I was sooo worried that we would miss a day...
Winnie: well the sun is trying to come out here....hurry...I must go before I miss it!
Winnie: was thinking of going camping this weekend...I think I must just keep THINKING about it
Barbie: well...camping in the rain can be fun if you have someone interesting to keep you company in the tent all day and all night...otherwise, not so much
Winnie: mmmmm...guess I should dust off the sleeping bags then!
Barbie: remember the fun we used to have "camping" in high school?
Winnie: camping? is that what it was? lol, all I remember is drinking and walking from lot to lot...visiting our friends? lol
Barbie: well, or you could call it that....tomato-tomahto
Winnie: ahhhhhh the good old days, carefree and....well let’s not say it lol
Barbie: Footloose?
Winnie: for sure....lol
Barbie: speak for yourself....I was a very good girl and you know it...after all wasn't it your mission in life to corrupt me?
Winnie: it took me 20 years...still working at it!
Winnie: but I think I’m making progress
Winnie: you need to spend more time with me
Barbie: I'm not sure my liver could take it...
Winnie: blame the guys at the Hut for that one, it’s the only place I manage to get drunk at....THEY are the bad ones
Winnie: wonder why that is????
Barbie: Why is it EVERYONE's mission in life to get me drunk??
Winnie: so we could hold it against you for the rest of your life lol
Barbie: gee....YOU wouldn't do something like that would you??
Winnie: I wouldn’t have too....u-tube baby! lol
Barbie: E-VIL!!!!!
Winnie: if I could manage to get you drunk...I’m sure I would be right there along side you
Winnie: it’s everyone else you have to worry about, all those men trying to take advantage of you
Winnie: I could never let that happen to poor innocent you!!!!!
Barbie: nooo.....nobody would do THAT to me!!
Barbie: they are all hanging around for my sparkling personality!
Winnie: in my case....I get drunk, just to have an excuse to let someone take advantage of me ;)
Winnie: ok, maybe not.....I'd let them anyways lol
Barbie: I swear you trigger my mothering instinct....I can't tell you how many times I feel like giving you a speech or grounding you...
Winnie: oh come on now, you know I’m just getting your goat.
Winnie: no one would recognize me if I was a good girl....they would all think there was something wrong if I ever stopped dancing on the tables...frigggg
Barbie: Well the way you tell it, I'm a total stick in the mud...but I actually AM quite fun...just compared to YOU I am very conservative...
Winnie: I can be conservative....I do own pearls you know!
Winnie: I just like wearing them with lace...lol
Barbie: Geez.....must you throw everything into the gutter? Mystery, woman....how many times do I have to tell you....you must leave something to the imagination!
Winnie: much more to tell my dear...contrary to what you may think...I do keep things to myself
Barbie: I'm afraid to even ask…

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Crabby-fest!


Hello all! Barbie here. Winnie and I would like to congratulate Chantal (twohandsfull) on winning the blog guest spot. Please find her blog below and we welcome any additional comments about things that bug YOU!

--------------------------------------------------------

When Winnie and Barbie said I won their “Guest Post” I thought this could be fun. I could write something totally out of character for me. I could write something trashy, something silly and fun. And then I thought about it. And thought about it. It is hard to manufacture trashy out of thin air. Really, I am a geek and a boring one at that. But one thing I am good at is complaining. So here goes. Things that drive me crazy:

Co-workers who come into your office and talk FOREVER and just won’t go away
The weather this summer – Holy shit Mother Nature, enough rain already!
Drivers who are slow going through the advance green, which makes ME MISS my chance to turn.
Drivers in The Wall (‘nuff said ;) )
The guy in the red Jeep who double parks in my office parking lot! A-HOLE
Stores that have a “HUGE SUMMER SALE” that runs for a month and then run out of everything in their flyer after week one – I am looking at you IKEA!
When you microwave your lunch and the outside is burning hot and the inside is cold. We can send people into space but we can’t heat a lunch evenly!!!
Did I mention the weather!
Govt. departments who make mistakes and then take their sweet time to fix them.
Men who treat my dear friends like shit – oh this one makes my blood boil!
And last but not least: THE FREAKING WEATHER!

This list could go on forever but I will stop now and spare you all. I am not just a crabby person. I love lots of things. I love; my kids, my husband, my dear friends (Winnie and Barbie are high up on that list), my extended family, my house, my garden, I love many many things. But since we talking beef, what’s your beef?

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

7 year, renewable marriage contracts...Let's start a movement!!



Winnie: ok, so caved in
Barbie: caved in to what?
Winnie: I bought a People magazine yesterday, I just HAD to gawk at the pictures of JON (from Jon and Kate) and his new trampy gf on vacation...3 weeks after the split... how dare he...and they were posing!
Barbie: hmmm....three weeks eh? yikes
Barbie: something tells me you don't find a new girlfriend in three weeks flat...this wouldn't happen to be the same lady he was spotted with BEFORE the split, would it?
Winnie: eventhough we are both proof that marriages are wayyyyyyyy over before it's announced..but still
Winnie: of course
Barbie: yeah....well, at least we know what happened now...
Barbie: younger woman promises "hey, I won't nag you like your wife does, I'll treat you like a the king you are forever"....just you wait, lol!!
Winnie: ya until the sex wears off...lol
Barbie: the initial flame ALWAYS fizzles, so you are lucky if you have a good friend you can get along with...
Winnie: what else could he have in common with a 21 year old pot smoking advocate...lol
Barbie: um....pot? Apparently? lol
Barbie: he always DID seem a bit mellow for the father of all those kids...lol
Winnie: duhhhhhhhhhhhh :)
Winnie: well now we know how he managed to stay married to HER for so long
Barbie: like I said....I think marriage should be on a 7 year renewable contract....they chose not to renew....no hard feelings...lol
Winnie: we got to get this message out lol
Barbie: I'm telling you....it is GENIUS!!
Barbie: Let's stop kidding ourselves....most marriages are NOT for life....let's just stick to shorter contracts, lol
Barbie: It will eliminate the need to place blame. I think biology dictates that the chemicals of infatuation secrete in our brains for a limit of 7 years....then you pretty much want to kick the other person out....
Winnie: just like cell companies...after a few years you start figuring out all the crap they put you through...when your contract is up......IT'S UPGRADE TIME BABY!
Barbie: LOL!!!
Winnie: ;)
Barbie: Not to be too cynical, but the feelings of love and infatuation are there to serve a purpose ....to make sure we procreate and that we stay together until the kids are a manageable age...but those feelings eventually wear off, we are crazy to expect them to continue...most good long term marriages are based on respect and friendship....in the end, that is all you have...
Winnie: and I have you for that...so who needs a man!
Winnie: my contracts are now going to be no more that 48 hrs
Barbie: lol! I have to say I hate cutting the grass and shovelling the driveway....but we can always hire out for that...
Winnie: renewable....if needed lol
Barbie: exactly!!

Monday, July 20, 2009

GET OUT! of my Lemonade Stand!


Barbie: Hi!
Winnie: well hello there, long time no talk
Barbie: lol
Barbie: how was your weekend?
Winnie: long, worked some long hours though
Winnie: now its clean up time, lots of packing to do
Barbie: wish I was there to help!
Winnie: every time i do this....i say im never doing it again
Barbie: I hear ya...I HATE moving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Barbie: my weekend was super P.G. I had the kids so we did family friendly stuff like a lemonade stand, library, read them books...the usual
Winnie: ohhhh the lemonade stand...how fun
Barbie: It was sooooo cute...I sooo wish I had a camera... mines busted...boooo!! I can't believe I missed that photo op!
Winnie: what kind of mother are you anyways??? lol
Barbie: I know, I know...the guilt of not having pics of that is absolutely killing me....
Barbie: but someday soon, when I am loaded and I buy a top of the line camera, I will document EVERYTHING!!
Winnie: well don’t go overboard now...pictures CAN be evidence! lol
Barbie: Hey...I'm the innocent one, don't forget....I never do anything naughty.....YOU on the other hand....
Winnie: ME? Come on...
Winnie: I’m smart enough NOT to document everything!
Barbie: All I can say is it is a good thing we didn't have cell phone cameras and Facebook when we were in high school...
Barbie: I don't know how kids today get away with anything without getting busted...
Winnie: OMG...no kidding
Barbie: in all honesty though....many of them are not too bright about posting themselves in compromising positions...
Winnie: kids these days have no shame
Barbie: ya ok...lol
Winnie: at least we had some dignity...we DIDN't want to get caught
Barbie: true that!
Winnie: ok, so I have a new theme song...you have to listen carefully!
Winnie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pdTYI7pD0o
Barbie: awesome! and funny!
Winnie: I had it cranked in my car on my way home yesterday....love it!!!!
Barbie: Good for you! Girl power!

Friday, July 17, 2009

divorce court and toe tags

Winnie: For you my dear friend....hope this helps you get through the weekend! Divorce court sucks!
Winnie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBR2G-iI3-I
Barbie: right back at you baby!
Barbie: But no self pity today.....Here is my NEW song:
Barbie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y
Barbie: word for word baby....
Winnie: "girl power" !!!!!
Barbie: yep
Barbie: you know....a year from now, we will look back on this time in our lives and say..."thank God that's over!" lol
Winnie: all we'll have is the blog to help us remember lol
Barbie: yep!
Winnie: you good today?
Barbie: yes
Barbie: how about you?
Winnie: better now, did a Timmy’s run, now that I’m the only one left in the house who drinks coffee...kinda sucks making a whole pot to myself
Barbie: lol, did you get any sleep last night?
Winnie: not bad...one kid showed up at midnight..woke me..and then the other came in at 3 am...didn’t' feel sorry for him when he had to get up at 7 to go to work...but of course, woke me up AGAIN! So much for my first day of vacation
Barbie: do mothers ever REALLY get vacation?
Winnie: a what? lol
Barbie: I see that your oldest got his camera back? Good grad pics!
Winnie: yessssss...saved him a few buck since he didn’t have to buy me a new one! Will teach me to lend him my stuff
Winnie: he's all grown up now; too bad he still can’t make his bed!
Barbie: LOL!
Winnie: he'll change I hope, first time he brings a girl over to his new apartment..
Barbie: It will take a girl to say "gross...don't you ever make your bed or clean up after yourself?" for him to start taking initiative, lol
Winnie: as long as I don’t get a call asking me to make a cleaning house call....I can’t see myself visiting very often lol
Barbie: personally, I don't think I have seen anything more disgusting than a group of young men living together....nasty.
Barbie: I knew this gang of guys who lived together in their twenties and they actually had CARPET in the bathroom...combine drunken nights with poor aim and the fact that they never actually EVER, NOT ONCE cleaned that bathroom...well, you can imagine the result...
Winnie: ohhhhhhhhh my my my...thanks for that visual, just what I need!
Barbie: LOL!
Barbie: Gross eh?
Winnie: I have this old coffee table that stains when you leave a drink on it...I told him he could have it. He said that he'll get a glass to put on it to keep it clean....I laughed out loud!!!!!!!!!
Barbie: hilarious!
Barbie: but I must say they do like to keep their cars clean...I don't get it...
Winnie: it's true...although he has a toe tag hanging from his rear view mirror
Winnie: and it has his name on it, creepy
Barbie: I'm afraid to ask what a toe bag is...
Winnie: good way to freak out your mom
Winnie: they were handing them out at the "safe grad" thing they do before graduation, when the cops and students re-enact a crash scene
Barbie: oh TOE TAG!! Duh...I mis-read it. Yikes...that's like tempting fate...or being a teen rebel..
Winnie: he says it's a reminder, good thing, I hope
Barbie: um. ya.
Winnie: maybe I should tie a pillow case around his finger to remind him to make his bed?
Barbie: PERFECT!! and a bottle of Windex around his neck too!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Honest to blog, wisdom from Sponge Bob

Winnie: I forgot my phone at home this morning
Barbie: lol...how ever did you survive?
Winnie: was rough....but I think I'll be ok
Barbie: well, we should probably start by telling everyone that we chose a winner for the blog guest spot contest!
Barbie: We expect BIG things from this person...lol
Barbie: stay tuned for their submission sometime in the next week...
Winnie: ohhhh, can't wait!
Barbie: me neither....I'm actually quite excited about it.
Winnie: does the lucky winner know yet?
Barbie: yes...they know and are working on their piece as we speak!
Winnie: this is going to be interesting for sure, just hope it doesn't end up being a "hit on Barbie" or "dis Winnie" episode
Barbie: um. I highly doubt it...lol
Winnie: I’m holding on tight.....
Barbie: lol....aren't we always though?
Winnie: DONT SAY IT
Barbie: oops....said it.
Winnie: see I know you so well lol
Barbie: sadly. yes. lol
Barbie: So....did you notice that Mr. Big posted a picture of himself on his facebook page today?
Winnie: I saw...he's pretty cute for an illusion
Barbie: ...I'm thinking it's a fake.
Winnie: that's what I mean
Winnie: I could have found a cuter pic though lol
Winnie: (kidding Mr Bigggg)
Barbie: If this guy knows so many of our friends, how come we have never heard his name before?? hmmm?
Barbie: a little fishy if you ask me...
Winnie: it's all in fun...until someone gets caught ......
Barbie: then we will roast them 'til they's crispy....beware our razor sharp banter...lol
Winnie: Oh I'm sure he's a bit scarred already....and if not...then he should be!!!!
Barbie: well....I think you mean scared but he may be scarred by us too...wouldn't be the first time we traumatized someone!
Winnie: ya ya...thank God I’m going back to school...i need it
Winnie: too many years in Redneckville....
Barbie: honest to blog....ain't THAT the truth...lol
Winnie: I am over 32 though, so at least Ill be able to drink at school
Barbie: ooo....you rebel, ha, ha
Winnie: just like in high shool...except no Mr. T to catch us in the bathroom
Barbie: hee...hee.....
Barbie: remember when we all drank and one of our group members passed out at the dance and we didn't want her to get caught but we didn't want to leave either so we just put her under a pile of jackets until the dance was done?
Winnie: ohhhhhhhhh yes lol
Winnie: we were crazy....my kids would NEVER think of doing that LOL
Winnie: oh there I go again...delusional
Barbie: I'm sure your kids would also never steal their parent’s car, drive it to Montreal to go clubbing and lock the keys in the car when you were coming back the next day....AHHHHEEEEMMMM!!!!!!
Winnie: shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...I think my Mom is reading
Barbie: oops....I mean YOU didn't do that....that was someone I HEARD of doing that....lol
Barbie: well, at least you didn't throw up in a fish tank...
Winnie: no, I didn’t....but I sure did hold up a few heads from drowning in the toilet bowl
Barbie: yes....and one of them wearing a hockey helmet....with a grill!!
Winnie: nasty stuff....
Barbie: ok, this is getting out of hand...no more snitching!!
Winnie: too late, my friend
Barbie: Just always remember these words of wisdom from Sponge Bob....
Barbie: There is NOTHING worse than an emotionally disturbed oyster!
Winnie: WTF?? Alrighty then.
Winnie: did I say I wanted to relive my youth?...maybe I should think this through a bit more
Barbie: you will need to go out and buy a bottle of Pepto if you plan on reliving your youth...
Winnie: (as an aside, you know what they say about oysters??????)
Winnie: already in my purse....
Barbie: oysters or pepto?
Winnie: BOTH ! :)

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

90's re-lived

Barbie: hey girl!
Barbie: How was your concert last night?
Winnie: awesome dude !
Winnie: rough few days, 3 concerts in 5 days, I think I may be too old for this
Barbie: We don't bounce back the way we used to...
Winnie: guess you had a long weekend too?
Winnie: Salsa Queen
Barbie: a fun one! Salsa dancing Friday night, mojitos (too many) Saturday and coffee with a pal on Sunday
Barbie: it was a good, full weekend
Barbie: so....I have come to a conclusion....
Winnie: re-living our youth has some consequences?
Barbie: lol.....good point, but that's not the conclusion I reached last week.
Winnie: Then what? oh wise one....
Barbie: you know how you go through different stages in a divorce?
Winnie: I thought it was only one.....relief!!!!
Barbie: well, I spent the first 9 months in the "fear" stage. I was terrified that I would be homeless, penniless.......
Winnie: and now?
Barbie: but now I have transitioned to the "anger" stage. Now I am MAD and he doesn't intimidate me one BIT any more...
Barbie: too bad for him that he didn't get an agreement during my "fear" stage....lol, he would have made out a lot better
Winnie: good for you...
Barbie: I think it is something you go through.....
Barbie: I should clarify that it isn't "bitter".....just POWERFUL!!
Winnie: I don't have the energy to be mad. I think I spent all of it when I was with him
Winnie: I hope it never gets to that...i have better things to do
Barbie: I felt the same way for the first while. I was just so exhausted.....
Barbie: but now....bring it on!!!!!
Winnie: I've been saying that from the beginning...but that's just me...a bitch!
Winnie: lol
Barbie: you are not a bitch....you are assertive but in our world, if you are a female, that means bitch....so I say wear the name with pride! lol
Winnie: Oh I do....always did :)
Winnie: so speaking of douchebags.....
Winnie: I took me everything I had last night NOT to go around snapping pictures of people
Barbie: lots of Dbags huh? I saw the very picture of the Eurodouche at the Salsa club on Friday....all my girlfriends were pointing him out too "Hey...look at the Eurodouche". He had his shirt unbuttoned COMPLETELY, collar up, faux hawk, fake tan....and .....wait for it....HIGHLIGHTS.....
Winnie: OUCH !
Barbie: Can I just say that I do not think guys should highlight their hair....very douchy
Barbie: I'm assuming you saw the domestic/rocker douche variety at your concerts?
Winnie: only STP could bring back the 90's douchbags
Winnie: oh, and let's not forget...the 90's cougars....that are WAY past the Cougar mark
Barbie: Please tell me you did not see leather pants...
Winnie: it's summer
Winnie: lots of mini...I mean MINI skirts and cleavage
Winnie: and BIG HAIR
Barbie: ahh....the "rocker chicks"....I have seen more than my fair share in my day...
Winnie: didn't you use to be one?????
Winnie: LOL, sorry had to say it
Barbie: ya....in 1985....not cool anymore.
Winnie: please...tell them that

Monday, July 13, 2009

GET ME OUT!

So I, Winnie, am in transition of moving back home from this Redneck town that I have been "surviving" in for the past 12 years. This is my "Adieu"!


Redneck Swing:



Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for
Rednecks to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of
the high schools.




Redneck Garden:






A new Redneck law was just recently passed:
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.








Redneck Time Out:



An OPP pulls over a pickup on Highway 17 and says to the driver,
Got any! I.D. ? ' . ...
and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'

Saturday, July 11, 2009

A What??????

A little something to get you through the weekend.




Grade 1 experiment....the teacher hands out all the students one colors of Life Savers at a time and askes them to identify the flavor of each color.....one by one they all agree.....

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room



Have a great weekend everyone !!!!!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Carnies, Cowboys and Salsa Kings


Barbie: hey there!
Winnie: good day my dear
Barbie: so...you had a great time at the local festival last night?
Winnie: fabulous time, felt like a kid again
Winnie: maybe that was because I managed NOT to get sick on the Gravitron or the Merry-go-round!
Winnie: I was smart enough to hit the beer garden only AFTER the rides
Barbie: you went on the Gravitron? You are brave....that is a vomit inducer if I ever saw one!
Winnie: i was good...the ride stopped just in time lol
Winnie: I think we were the only ones on there that were over 16
Barbie: Did I ever tell you about the time that Recordhead barfed on the Tilt-a-whirl?
Winnie: LOL, no surprise
Winnie: I even got a stuffed monkey...
Barbie: did some big strong guy win it for you?
Winnie: yup....
Winnie: he tried winning at the "baseball" and beer bottle game, but couldn’t hit more than one
Winnie: so instead, he kicked my butt at the "whack-a-mole" game....
Barbie: I will leave that one alone.....consider it a freebie...lol
Winnie: ohhhhhhhhhh sicko
Winnie: it’s a carnival game....dodo head! You know…the little groundhogs pop their heads out of the holes and you have to hit them with a big hammer?
Winnie: its' PG 13, you should know it!
Barbie: lol! I don't have much experience with Carnies....
Winnie: Carnies? me either...they're kinda dirty and gross. They never did anything for me ;)
Barbie: Once, when I was little, I won a plastic hand back scratcher and a Carnie said I will give you a free game here if you give me the back scratcher. So I went for it, lost the game and the carnie broke off all the fingers except the middle one and gave it back to me and called me a loser. I have to say that I haven't cared much for them since.
Winnie: LOL
Winnie: did you keep it at least?? lol
Barbie: no. and I bet he wouldn't have done that to me a few years later...lol
Barbie: So...tonight I go downtown to try my hand at Salsa dancing...
Winnie: great...sounds like a blast
Winnie: just don’t hurt yourself
Barbie: Like Jerry Seinfeld, I think people just like to say "Salsa"....
Barbie: I can move, not to worry.....I've still got the moves, lol
Winnie: I'm sure but too much info
Barbie: but I'm not sure how good I'll be compared to the Latin men and ladies who have been doing it all their lives...
Winnie: it's pretty hot when you see them dance, wish i could
Winnie: I want pictures tonight
Winnie: of the cute guys there, I mean!
Barbie: Yes, we will be documenting the night...
Barbie: When I was out west, I got conned into going to a country bar to two step and I didn't know how and as it turns out the cowboys LOVE to teach women how to two step...lol
Winnie: oh I’m sure they like to teach those cowboys...lol
Barbie: Actually, they were very, very polite.
Barbie: We'll see if the Salsa kings can be polite too...lol
Winnie: i image them being a bit more forward...i think you have to be
Barbie: Not necessarily. When I was in Brazil, they Samba and Lambada which is VERY close dancing with lots of grinding of unmentionables but everyone was super polite. It is just cultural.
Winnie: whatever...i like the touching and grinding
Barbie: geez woman.
Winnie: what?
Winnie: you don’t?????
Winnie: i'm sure you're not going just for the cultural education!
Barbie: nope. Just to shake it, try something new and have fun with some girlfriends.
Barbie: The evening even comes with a dance lesson! It is totally legit!
Winnie: ya whatever!
Barbie: what? you KNOW I am not going to pick up!!!
Winnie: i didn’t say you would....
Winnie: easy girl
Winnie: Dancing it is!!!!!!!
Barbie: I am not a club girl at all but I love dancing...
Winnie: ok ok...I got it.....
Winnie: I am not a club girl at all but I love looking...

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Marriage Return Policies...

Barbie: hey, you know what I just remembered? we haven't done music in awhile...
Winnie: you haven't done WHO? in a while???
Barbie: get it out of the gutter sista....
Barbie: Today I am whole heartedly recommending the Kings of Leon....
Barbie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HlaqgcGfS0I
Barbie: Really, I love anything by them. I am praying that they finally bring good music back. It has been awhile since rock has been around.
Barbie: The lead singer has a very distinctive voice....kind of young Joe Cocker.
Barbie: Hey Phatboy! Will you sing this one for me next time I'm at the Hut?
Winnie: It's good, I like it
Barbie: you'd like this one too then...
Barbie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHhhcKxflMY
Barbie: I haven't heard a bad song by them yet. And the music is actually good and the lyrics well thought out....how refreshing!
Winnie: I’m sending this one out to all my home folks...Thursday night, open air concert...yea baby!!!!! Can’t wait.
Winnie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9seZeFc6ms0
Barbie: Wish I could go too!
Winnie: me too
Barbie: That girl has to be the hardest workin' woman in Canadian music these days.....she tours non-stop.
Winnie: I had tickets for Amanda Marshall years ago when she played at Metropolis in Montreal but I was not able to make it.....I was so bummed...so I can’t wait to see her.
Barbie: the only song of hers that I don't like is this one...lol
Barbie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSYvpX6JUNo
Winnie: LOL
Winnie: crazy bitch....marry me? What the hell is that about????
Barbie: I have no idea.....clearly she has never been married before...lol
Barbie: Always seems like a good idea before you do it...
Winnie: Ohhhhhhh the romanticism.......
Winnie: how delusional
Barbie: well....we have all been there.....thinking it was a good idea on some level, otherwise we wouldn't have done it.
Winnie: I blame my grandmother
Winnie: I can, cuz she's dead now
Barbie: lol.....I don't know. Society makes girls/women feel like they should do it to be successful in life...
Barbie: but I sure don't think it is necessary...
Winnie: we... I had two kids before I got married...
Winnie: So to make sure my grandmother didn’t burn in hell....I had to do the church and gown thing
Winnie: surprise to her when it wasn’t white LOL
Barbie: well, I got married at West Edmonton Mall, and technically, I feel that I should be able to return him for store credit...
Winnie: and I’m sure he wasn't even worn out!
Winnie: LOL
Barbie: "Hello, this purchase doesn't fit after all....I would like to exchange or get my money back!"

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Comb your hair with a pork chop!




Barbie: so the pity party is officially over....onward march!!
Barbie: no more feeling sorry for myself....I have too much to be thankful for...
Winnie: YEAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!!!!
Barbie: Got to be happy about the small things....in the end that's all most people have, lol
Winnie: ya like Bud Lite Lime
Barbie: Bud lite lime ...meh....."better than regular beer but still not as good as a mojito"
Winnie: Mojito is too strong
Winnie: i can only inhale so much fresh mint
Barbie: baby!
Winnie: Who you calling baby?
Barbie: relax, I called you baby, not babe
Winnie: oh ok then...lol
Barbie: So, we didn't win for funniest blog but I don't think it should count because we were only aware of it for three days and it was based on votes....none of our fans had time to vote....
Barbie: I demand a recount! We were robbed! No justice in the world! The judges look like they comb their hair with a pork chop!!
Winnie: how did you find out about it
Barbie: just randomly surfing the sites! The others had months and months to vote (sour grapes).
Barbie: Ahhh....but we were honoured just to be nominated (as we say this through gritted teeth, just like the losers on Oscar night)
Winnie: it is not fair...we have great fans....
Barbie: do we ever!!
Barbie: Although I detect slight brain damage for thinking we are funny but God bless 'em anyway...
Winnie: I think it is the coolest thing that we were nominated only after a couple of months online...friggen awesome
Winnie: Next year baby!!!!! Next year!
Barbie: GIRL POWER......
Barbie: now if we could only figure out a way to sell out to Corporate America and become rich bitches....
Winnie: oh yeaaaaaaaaaaa
Winnie: now you're talking
Barbie: But then again, we might get punched in the face like Perez Hilton....poor guy.....I have a soft spot for slightly strange bloggers (wonder why?)
Winnie: I think our exes would like to do the honour
Barbie: that's the only way he's ever gonna touch ME again...
Winnie: LOL...
Barbie: so...Mike Jackson memorial service today....snore...
Barbie: I told my sister that he died and she said...Aw....good.
Winnie: ya, if i have time between loads of laundry I may watch it
Winnie: he was a great artist...too bad he couldn't afford better Shrinks....
Winnie: Well I will always remember where I was when I got the news....I was on my way out the door...to see YOU!! hehehe
Winnie: ok...and another special friend, just in case they read this ;)
Barbie: I heard the news at the hut. I just noticed that they were playing a strangely large amount of him on the radio on the drive down and thought maybe everyone was stuck in some kind of time warp, lol
Winnie: ya, you looked shocked when we told you lol
Winnie: like really? Was it that unexpected?
Barbie: I thought everyone was mental. They kept toasting Michael Jackson....I was like "what IS it with people in this town?"

Monday, July 6, 2009

Divorce Countdown


Just for you my dear Barbie. Wanted to cheer you up. It worked for me


xoxox Winnie

Divorce Pity Party.....join us!

Winnie: hey
Winnie: welcome back
Barbie: hello!
Winnie: so we’re funny i hear?
Barbie: this is what they say...no pressure
Winnie: how did this happen?
Barbie: who knows....sadly most of the time we are not trying to be funny
Winnie: that's what i meant...how did we end up funny...lol
Barbie: I think it is more "funny living nightmare" not "funny ha-ha"
Winnie: a never ending nightmare
Barbie: hopefully it will end someday!!!!!
Barbie: I'm thinking when my divorce is final...lol
Winnie: is there even an expiry date on hating your exes'?
Barbie: who knows.....I'm winging it...
Winnie: I got the " oh you should hear what people are saying about you" speech last night
Winnie: funny though, cuz whoever was supposed to have said these "things" about me, have had no contact with me in 6 months...they aren't even online...go figure
Winnie: so i asked him to tell me about all the "bad" stuff I was doing...and all of a sudden he says.."well, they didn’t tell me anything"
Barbie: ah...they ALWAYS try that one....the "make you feel bad about yourself tactic"
Winnie: one even said...." If I told you, you'd throw up" LOL...OMG....
Barbie: WTF????
Barbie: that's hilarious.....as if!!
Winnie: no kidding....I asked him if they were talking about me????? (are you sure they have the right person?)
Barbie: well, I happen to be having a pity party for myself so you can join
Winnie: I'm there!!!!!!!
Winnie: did he ambush you when you got back?
Barbie: oh yeah!!
Winnie: jerk
Barbie: that is an understatement.
Winnie: was he pissed cuz you didn’t answer his emails WHILE YOU WERE ON VACATION????
Barbie: he just thinks he is the authority on everything and should be able to dictate how our divorce should go and I should just happily accept it.
Winnie: well of course you should
Barbie: I'm like "no, no....that's how it was in our MARRIAGE, not now that we're split", lol
Winnie: did you not read that in your marriage contract
Barbie: I must have missed that part. I even purposely had them take out the "obey" part but apparently it was still implied...
Winnie: shit
Barbie: lol
Barbie: my friend just asked me to go Salsa dancing on Friday....what do you think?
Winnie: Go Girl!
Winnie: would love to do that
Barbie: I spent some months in Brazil...look out, I can shake it!!
Winnie: get a sexy dress going and your hot shoes...
Barbie: I can barely walk in those, let alone dance in them!!
Barbie: I'm thinking jeans and sneakers...lol, I'm there for dancing, not to pick up.
Winnie: just don’t shake it too much....well, ok...as long as it's not in front of the band at the "hut"
Barbie: LOL!!! that was funny....no, I'm not gonna shake it like a stripper....not to worry
Winnie: pheeewwwwwwww...had me worried there
Barbie: If you ever see me shaking it like a stripper, call 911 immediately...
Winnie: nope...would just take out my camera, record you and post it on the blog...oh and Youtube too!!!!!
Barbie: ah....what a friend indeed.

Friday, July 3, 2009

10 Things we learned at the Hut this week

We have to say that going to bars can be a very educational experience! Here are ten things we learned at the Hut this weekend:

1- Apparently, knee high socks are a perfectly acceptable way to hide a low jack. Even though you are supposed to be under house arrest, nobody will notice if you sneak out to a bar.

2-If you are intoxicated and intend on dancing alone, be bold....stand right in front of the stage and shake it like a stripper.

3- Dancing alone and shaking it like a stripper has no age boundaries....this includes bearded 83 year old men.

4- If you ARE going to dance alone and shake it like a stripper, make sure to hold your drink in your hand. You don't want to put it down on the table and have someone slip something into it. That would be bad because then you might do something embarrassing like dancing alone and shaking it like a stripper.

5- Tattoos ARE an alternative to clothing. I mean, technically they DO cover skin so just throw on a couple of pasties, some shorts and a hair bandanna and you're good to go.

6-Just because you are too drunk to stand up, doesn't mean you can't party effectively.

7-You CAN eat your own weight in popcorn and remain standing.

8-If you feel that you are not being noticed enough, just yell louder. You don't even need to have anything of importance to say. Just wait until the music has a lull, randomly scream "Hey Man!" and hug other men. I should also mention that if you are randomly screaming at females be sure to be derogatory to catch their attention. "bitch! slut! and Blondie!" are all very effective ways to make a woman's head turn.

9- If you feel that you didn't kill it during your last off key karaoke performance, why not try rap or country western for the next round.....two sure crowd pleasers! (especially if you are slurring the words)

10- Real men don't drink Bud light lime, or tangerine or pomegranate.

So, thanks again to the small town folk at the Hut for providing hours of entertainment and a sound education in the laws of the 'hood. God bless you for keepin' it real!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Oh' Marriage Eh?


Just a little giggle for all of you who've been married before!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Oh' Canada Eh?


Only in Canada

1. Only in Canada......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in Canada......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in Canada......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in Canada.....do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in Canada......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in Canada......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in Canada......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we don't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in Canada......do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in Canada.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in Canada......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


Happy Canada everyone! Hope you get to enjoy this great day with Family and Friends!