Friday, August 28, 2009

10 Signs it's time for Divorce

Barbie: So....I was watching a talk show the other day and there was a woman wondering if she should divorce her cheating husband....
Winnie: ok....
Barbie: I thought it might be helpful if we put up 10 signs that you are probably headed for a divorce...

1- if you hear the phone ringing and skip merrily to it, hoping that there has been a terrible accident....that is probably not so good.

2- if you spend many morning showers having imaginary fights with your spouse, shouting all the things you REALLY want to say to them in your head...again....not headed in the right direction.

3- You are hoping he starts an extramarital affair just so he stops bugging you for sex. Probably, the D-word is just a matter of time.

4- If your bedroom antics inspire as much excitement as a tax audit. Bad sign.

5- You find that you cannot stand listening to his/her same jokes and stories in front of company. While he/she is talking, you run an internal monologue saying "OMG. This story again. If I have to fake laugh at this story one more time I'm gonna slit my wrists."

6- You used to be so supportive of their bad days. You used to spend hours boosting their ego and consoling them. Now you just say "sucks to be you". Probably not a relationship that is gonna be saved.

7- You used to actually consider his/her opinion. You would run through your head "maybe he is right, maybe going to church IS selfish, and I SHOULD stay home and make him breakfast". Now you just go to church and pray that he has a head injury, changing his entire personality. Not a keeper.

8- Your friends are starting to slip up. They used to smile when your spouse was an obvious ass and say things like "maybe they are just super stressed at work, I'm sure they didn't mean it." But now they are saying stuff like "that shit wouldn't fly in MY house" or "wow, I don't even know what to say". Start packing your bags sweetheart.

9- You will do virtually anything to not have to be in their presence. "Need your driveway shovelled? Let me volunteer!...What's that? you need to clean the grease trap at your restaurant? I LOVE doing that!" Again. Not exactly headed for a second honeymoon.


10- If the prospect of being alone for the rest of your natural life sounds like winning the over. Time to hire a lawyer.

Winnie: Darn, I knew i shouldn't have written this in my diary....

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